Posted by dull thud on September 20, 2001 at 11:46:32:
In Reply to: Alright folks... it's time to repost your character's first appearance! posted by Visionary on September 18, 2001 at 09:34:02:
The many brave deeds of Captain Astounding have oft been celebrated in
story, song and his Granny's fireside cross-stitching. This is how it all began,
reprinted from the highly sought-after Tales To Make You Say Shit! That's
Incredible #54.
- - - - - -
It is a normal day at Professor Malmo Diphtheria's college for gifted young avant-garde composers. The Freeform Jazz 101 class are waiting outside the Professor's laboratory.
Miranda: I'm going to the Prom with Derek Olphy. He's performing a polymodal quartertonic villanelle, challenging Baronet Moleman's own extrapolation from the Stockhausen-annotated score of Das Rheingold. And he's got his own car. Who are you going with?
Audrey: Ooh, nobody yet. But I did get an offer from Jonathan Rockets...
They laugh as the class is ushered into the lab. Jonny, lurking at the back, scowls as he hears them. Inside, every inch of wall space is packed with little lights, tape reels, needle gauges and the like. Tethered to a post in the centre of the room are a trumpeter, alto saxophonist, vibist, double-bass hepcat and drummer. They have wanky little goatee beards and are earnestly making random noises. They sound terrible.
The Professor: Velkomm, everybody. Today, as promised, I unveil mein latest creation; a nuclear-powered abstract atonal qvintet.
There are gasps of admiration from the students, but you can't hear them because they're drowned out by the horn players making a noise like twelve bungee-jumping cats being progressively disembowelled on spiky metal railings.
Prof: You vill note zat all five musicians are restrained by zese metal collars. Zis is because zey each have der ebony-black tortured soul of ein artist, and if zey ver for some reason separated from the means of their cathartic self-expression the conseqvences vould be disastrous. Zey are also intolerably vain and bitchy, and zis vay if they piss me off I can slap 'em about.
The cats have just been run over by a speeding train and what little remains is being beaten with spades.
Prof: Zis new application of nuclear power means zat - in theory at least - zey could play for up to eight thousand years vithout a rest or ein obvious reprise.
Audrey: Isn't it dangerous, Professor?
Prof: Not for me, I vouldn't have to listen to it all. But now observe as I increase der activity of ze atomic pile. By lowering zis unusually prominent and distinctively-coloured lever I can have zem play at two, three, even four times their original tempo.
He does so. They sound exactly the same, but the trumpeter looks a little redder.
Prof: Zey are now improvising at ein rate of over two hundred Becquerels!
The class stare, slack-jawed in wonder, as the group embark on a sonic tour of a sperm whale's respiratory system, taking turns to prod it with an assortment of power tools and fruit jellies. Suddenly, dials all around the lab start fluctuating wildly and red lights start flashing.
Miranda: clearly terrified Professor, what's going on?
Prof: flustered I don't know... der drummer may have accidentally played a full two bars to a discernible rhythm! he fiddles with stuff It's no use! They're not out of control!
The saxophonist plays a series of notes which, though wavering, are unmistakably the opening lines of When The Saints Go Marching In. The room shakes and plaster starts dropping from the ceiling. The class run for the door, but Jonny stumbles, falling headlong into the wild-eyed, frothing bassist who sinks his teeth into Jonny's left shoulder! Jonny cries out in pain!
Prof: Jonny! Are you alright?
Jonny: pulling himself away I think so - ouch! What can we do, Professor?
Prof: We've only got once chance. I must reverse the polarity. pointing to the lever we saw earlier Push zat up as far as it vill go and hold it there while I push some buttons and bark orders at people in clingy blue uniforms. Zis could take some time.
His right hand pressed to his wounded shoulder, Jonny uses his left to raise the lever. He meets resistance at about shoulder-height. He stays like that for about forty minutes until the quintet are safely out of control once more.
Prof: Zat vas a narrow escape. Who knows vat carnage zey might have wrought had zey persisted vith their toe-tapping Dixieland beat. Vell, thanks for your help, see you all tomorrow.
Later, in his bedroom, Jonny is thinking over the events of the day.
Jonny: thinks: what a strange sensation that was as I held the lever. I felt somehow - different from before. I wonder...
He reaches for a nearby telephone directory and totally fails to tear it in two. But he finds he can hold it in his left hand at about shoulder-height for quite a long time.
Jonny: Where could this curious ability have came from? Of course! The nuclear-powered double-bassist that bit me must have transferred some of his abilities! Well, with this power I can finally BE SOMEBODY. I'll show Audrey I don't need to investigate the textural relativism of Versteegian tone clusters in shawm-led madrigals to be a real man, and THEY'LL NEVER LAUGH AT ME AGAIN!!!
TO BE CONTINUED
Will Jonny use his powers for good - or for evil? There's only one place to find out...